Curling = Morgan Plus 8
An old-fashioned sport done the old-fashioned way – slide a stone along an ice track with juuuuuuust enough momentum to get it to a centre spot for the most points, and all the while helped along the way by people with brooms. It sounds dull, sure, but it’s gripping to watch. It’s the kind of thing you’ll never get off your arse and play, but you like that it exists.
This, then, is much like a Morgan Plus 8. It’s an old-style car, made the old-style way, with a massive old-style V8 motor making it go very fast. It’s good fun to drive and people will love seeing it, but they won’t put the time in to have a go in one of their own.
Cross-country skiing = Renault Twizy
A combination of power-walking and sliding, cross-country skiing is an odd one. While it may seem glamorous, it’s a lot of work and takes huge physical strength to do with any semblance of skill. It’s one of those things that seems like a great idea until you, an actual human, has a go at doing it, falls over, snaps a bone/ligament and regrets the day you thought it’d be fun to try. This brings to mind the Renault Twizy.
Two people sit in a row, the acceleration is brisk and it’ll get round a corner better than you’d expect, but it also has granite dampers, plastic seats and no doors. You'll absolutely love it for about five minutes, but when you're dealing with hypothermia and impacted vertebrae, you'll wonder what the hell you were thinking.
Skeleton = Ariel Atom
Who fancies strapping themselves to a small frame and sliding down an icy slide? You do? Congratulations, you have little regard for your health. But hey, who are we to judge? It’s a sport that takes skill, nerves of steel, and a whole fistful of brave pills – much like driving an Ariel Atom. Like the skeleton there’s not much to it and it’s chuffing quick both in a straight line and around corners.
Ice hockey = TCR racing car
Lots of people, contact at every turn, nail biting moments every time you blink… Ice Hockey is fun as all get out to watch and requires some serious bravado to play. It’s remarkably similar to touring cars in that respect. Contact isn’t advised but it happens, the action is fast and exciting. Want ice hockey on wheels? Get yourself to a touring car race. Or buy yourself a TCR car like this VW Golf version...
Bobsleigh = Caterham Seven 620R
The idea of sitting in a bullet-shaped bathtub with a chum’s genitals smooshed into your back while you slide, mostly out of control, down a hill made of ice is not a good one, frankly. It's scary, brutal, and requires competitors to wear what looks like a multi-coloured, full-body condom to participate.
But what if you wanted to do something similar in a car? To this end bobsleigh rather like the Caterham 620R - a foolishly powerful Caterham complete with sequential gearbox. Sounds unfeasibly good fun. And it is. Until it loses traction and tries to kill you, which it will do on that corner, and that crest, and that seemingly perfectly dry stretch of road, and on that small patch of water, and quite possibly while you're sleeping peacefully in your bed and it's parked on the driveway.
If you relish the prospect of being barely in control, pretty much all of the time and at phenomenal speeds, the Caterham 620R is the car for you. And you don't even have to wear a full-body condom.
Slopestyle = Vauxhall VXR8 GTS-R
This one’s all about looking cool, being original, and making the biggest impression. Snowboarders and skiers are challenged to do ludicrous tricks and get big air off jumps to wow crowds and put smiles on faces – basically, be a slidey showperson. You want to look a bit different and do big tricks in a car? Well then… a Vauxhall VXR8 GTS-R is for you.
A massive, supercharged V8, meaty manual gearbox, all the driftability you could wish for, and as for looks - well you wouldn't get more attention if you walked down the road shouting 'Look at me! LOOK AT ME!' It's the car for those who want all of the spotlight, and right now.